5 AM club sounded impressive right up until I realized it was just me, a donut, and a wall clock judging me in the dark. I took attendance, discovered I was the only member, and adjourned the whole operation back to a warm pillow where successful people apparently never visit.
The 5 AM Club Meeting
What’s Inside
So Gina starts this 5 AM club in my house, and I want everybody to understand something right up front: I did not apply for membership. Nobody handed me a brochure. Nobody asked for my dues. One minute I’m asleep, dreaming about nothing in particular, which is the best kind of dream a retired man can have, and the next minute I’m a founding member of an organization I never agreed to join, complete with mandatory attendance and zero coffee privileges.
I’m retired, folks. Retired men do not join clubs that meet before the sun does. I’ve been in clubs before – the lunch club, the nap club, the complain-about-my-knees club, the club where we just stand around the garage and look at a car nobody is fixing – and every single one of them met at a reasonable hour with snacks already on the table waiting for us. Nobody ever got inducted into the knee-complaining club at dawn. That’s a nine-thirty activity at the earliest.
But no, Gina wants the 5 AM club, so there I am standing in the kitchen at five in the morning like a man waiting for a bus that isn’t coming, in a neighborhood where the bus stopped running in 1987, wondering what exactly I accomplished by being conscious this early in my own house. The refrigerator hummed at me. I swear it sounded smug.
Why the 5 AM Club Only Had One Meeting, Ever
I called the meeting to order. I was the president, the secretary, and the only member, which honestly made the voting very efficient. I took attendance – myself, present, bathrobe, also present – and then I ate a donut, because a man needs at least one agenda item he can actually enjoy. I proposed a motion to adjourn immediately and reconvene at a decent hour. I voted yes. I voted yes again just to be safe. Landslide.
Somewhere out there, some millionaire is doing yoga and drinking a smoothie made of kale and regret, feeling very proud of his own 5 AM club, posting about it online with a caption like ‘Rise and grind,’ and meanwhile I’m sitting at my kitchen table in slippers achieving nothing but crumbs and a deep personal grudge against mornings. That millionaire has never once had a furnace click on and genuinely wonder if it’s a burglar.
I also want to point out that nowhere in any of these books does it mention what happens if your early morning club has exactly one agenda item, and that item is ‘survive.’ I survived. I call that a win. I did not stretch. I did not journal. I stood very still near the toaster like a man guarding treasure nobody wants to steal at this hour.
What Successful People Don’t Tell You About the 5 AM Club
Here’s what nobody in those books mentions: successful people have assistants. They have people who make the coffee, walk the dog, answer the emails, and preheat the yoga mat, so all the successful person has to do is show up, look inspired, and take credit for being awake. I don’t have an assistant. I have a cat who hates me and a Gina who sleeps through her own alarm clock like it’s background noise for somebody else’s life.
Gina was back asleep by 5:15, having completed her mission, which was apparently just to wake me up and watch me suffer for science. I think the real secret of waking up early is that after week one, everybody quietly goes back to sleeping until eight, but that part never makes it into the book, because nobody wants to put ‘and then we all quit’ on the back cover.
You want to know what actually happens at 5 a.m. in most houses in America? Nothing. A cat judging you from the counter like you personally wronged her ancestors. A furnace clicking on like it’s applauding your poor choices. A man in his bathrobe reconsidering every decision that led him to this kitchen, including, but not limited to, marriage, retirement, and the purchase of this particular robe.
Somewhere there’s a man doing cold plunges at 5 a.m. and calling it ‘activating his nervous system.’ I activated my nervous system too. I did it by stubbing my toe on a chair in the dark and saying several words that are not in any self-help book I’ve ever seen.
How I Officially Adjourned the 5 AM Club Forever
I stood up, I banged an imaginary gavel, which in my house is just a coffee mug set down a little too hard, and I declared the meeting adjourned. Motion to return to bed: seconded by nobody, because I was alone, but it passed unanimously anyway. I also passed a bylaw, retroactively, that no club in this house may meet before the rooster would be embarrassed to be up.
If Gina finds another book, I already know what’s coming next. Cold showers. Ice baths. Running a mile before breakfast. Standing in a field somewhere ‘grounding myself,’ whatever that means for a man whose feet are already very firmly on the floor at all times. I’ll read the whole thing for her, I really will, but I’ll be reading it from under three blankets at a reasonable hour, like a gentleman, with a donut within arm’s reach for emergencies.
So consider this my official letter of resignation, submitted in writing, notarized by nobody, effective immediately, with full retroactive benefits, meaning I get to sleep in and still feel accomplished, which might honestly be the most successful thing I’ve done all month. I’m also requesting my dues back, even though I never paid any, on principle.
Folks, if you ever start your own early morning club, do yourself a favor and schedule the first meeting for noon. Trust me, attendance will be much better, the donuts will be fresher, and nobody’s nervous system needs activating when there’s already coffee in the cup and sunlight on the table where it belongs.
George’s Best Lines
Want the backstory? Read up on the science of morning people, then come back here for more George Valentino.
Your Questions, Answered
What exactly is the 5 AM club George keeps talking about?
It’s Gina’s idea – a club where successful people wake up at 5 a.m. My version only had one member, one donut, and one very short meeting.
Does waking up early actually make you more successful?
According to the books, yes. According to my knees and my donut, absolutely not.
Will George ever join another early morning club?
Only if the first meeting starts at noon with snacks already on the table, which is really the only club worth joining.
Laugh Harder: Choice1-3D Books
Every Choice1-3D book is written to make you laugh, think, or both. Pick a shelf and dig in.
More books for every mood: Heritage Hollow Adventures (kids mysteries), Amelia Shade (dry humor for grown-ups) and Dusty Shepherd (the hidden meaning of numbers in the Bible).
