Happy jogger Phil has turned my quiet street into a one-man parade of sunshine before the sun even shows up for work. I watch him from my kitchen window with my coffee like it’s a nature documentary, except the only wildlife is one grinning man in shorts.
The Happy Jogger
What’s Inside
I want to talk about the happy jogger phenomenon because it has taken over my neighborhood like a smiling, spandex-wearing epidemic. Every morning, same time, same route, same grin plastered on his face like he just won a free toaster from the dentist.
Folks, nobody should be that happy at five in the morning. I don’t care if you just found twenty dollars in your winter coat. A happy jogger at sunrise is suspicious to me. I want to see his taxes. I want to see his sleep schedule. Something is not adding up.
The Secret Life of a Happy Jogger Down My Street
Phil, my neighbor, is the happy jogger in question, and the man runs past my window every single morning like he is auditioning for a yogurt commercial. Meanwhile I am holding a coffee mug like it is the Olympic torch, and that is the extent of my cardio for the day.
I started keeping notes on the situation, because a man needs a hobby, and apparently mine is surveillance. Monday, smiling. Tuesday, smiling, waved at a squirrel. Wednesday, smiling so hard I worried his face would get stuck that way, like my mother used to warn me about when I was a boy.
I invented a whole backstory for the guy. Maybe he is not jogging toward fitness, maybe he is jogging away from something. You do not get that happy that early unless you are either enlightened or you buried a body somewhere out past the park. I have not ruled either one out yet.
Why Is Every Happy Jogger Smiling Like They Know Something I Do Not
Here is my theory. Somewhere deep down, every happy jogger knows a secret the rest of us do not. Maybe it is endorphins. Maybe it is spite. Maybe he just likes watching old men drink coffee in windows, which, fair enough, I would watch that show too, with snacks.
I tried joining him once. Put on shorts I have not worn since the Clinton administration, laced up shoes that smelled like regret, and jogged exactly to the mailbox and back. I nearly needed a priest. Meanwhile this fella is doing hills like it is a Tuesday afternoon stroll.
My doctor told me I need more exercise. I told her I already have a very rigorous routine. Lift the mug. Sip the coffee. Lower the mug. Three sets, five days a week, sometimes with a bonus rep if the coffee is especially good. She was not impressed, but I bet he would be proud.
The Day I Tried To Out-Happy The Happy Jogger Himself
I decided one morning I would beat him at his own game. I woke up at five, put on my robe, grabbed my coffee, and smiled even harder than him through the window. He waved. I waved back with a grin so big my dentures nearly left the building entirely.
We stood there, two grown men, grinning at each other across a quiet street at dawn like a couple of lunatics in a greeting card, both convinced we had found the secret to life. Maybe we both did. Maybe happiness at that hour just means you are too tired to be grumpy yet.
He is gonna live to a hundred, I just know it. Running keeps you young, they say. Well, so does laughing at your neighbor from a warm kitchen, so I figure we will both be around a long while, him running past my window, me waving with a mug, two old fools who found their own version of joy.
So if you see a happy jogger out there tomorrow morning, do what I do. Wave. Smile. Do not ask questions. And for the love of Pete, let the man run in peace, because apparently that is where all the joy in this world is hiding, at five in the morning, in shorts, running past somebody’s window.
George’s Best Lines
Want the backstory? Read up on the history of jogging, then come back here for more George Valentino.
Your Questions, Answered
Why is George Valentino so obsessed with his happy jogger neighbor?
Because the man smiles at five in the morning, and George finds that deeply suspicious and deeply funny.
Does George ever actually jog with Phil?
Once, as far as the mailbox and back, and that was plenty, thank you very much.
What is George’s actual workout routine?
Lift the coffee mug, sip, lower it — three sets, five days a week, no gym membership required.
Laugh Harder: Choice1-3D Books
Every Choice1-3D book is written to make you laugh, think, or both. Pick a shelf and dig in.
More books for every mood: Heritage Hollow Adventures (kids mysteries), Amelia Shade (dry humor for grown-ups) and Dusty Shepherd (the hidden meaning of numbers in the Bible).
